I Hear Ya, Loud and Clear!

Yesterday started out as kind of a tough day for me, I found out that we are definitely not pregnant again(19th month of TTC). About a month ago, I really felt God telling me that we weren't supposed to try this next level of medical assistance(shots, supplements, and a higher level of fertility hormones). So I started praying about it pretty much all the time. I told God that if he didn't want us to go through with this, then I needed that door firmly closed. The treatments had already been postponed 3 times at that point, due to our schedule(mostly Brian's). So we had planned for December, despite the fact that I was feeling this not so little nudging on my heart. Well, Brian called me up 2 weeks ago, from work and said that he was heading out of town again and the dates lined up perfectly with our treatment dates. Canceled again! This time I knew it was God, there was no getting around 4 canceled treatments and an expired referral from our insurance company. So I talked to Brian about it and it turned out he had felt that way all along! I told him that I wished he had said something awhile ago, I never would have let it go this far, if I had known that he didn't want to pursue medical treatment.

So we decided to go back to trying the old fashioned way, which has obviously worked once for us, so there is always the possibility that it could again. But unfortunately this was not our month and next month is out because of Brian's trip. So I was in pity party land yesterday and praying all morning that God would snap me out of this and help me to be satisfied with the family I have.

We went up to Chesapeake/Norfolk to do some last minute Christmas/Birthday shopping(my little guy will be 2 in 8 days!) and eat at Cracker Barrel(thanks Favorite Cousin Tommy for the gift card!). The whole way I was praying and I have to confess that I may have been a little bit crabby with my husband =( because of the way some portions of the trip turned out. We finished up our Target shopping and headed to Cracker Barrel. We sat down and had a really nice waitress. Aaron was being a little extra sweet that night, especially to the waitress, he was blowing her kisses and being a little ham. After our meal was over, she came by to drop of the check and we got to talking about Aaron. She said he was precious(I tend to agree, finally proof that I am not biased!) and then all of a sudden started talking about how her and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and been through all sorts of fertility treatments, including a recent IVF procedure that failed to work. My heart immediately went out to her, before I had Aaron it was so hard for me to see other people with their kid's, because it was such a visual reminder of what we had lost with our first pregnancy. So I told her that we had fertility issues and there is hope on the other side. That we have lost two, but we have one beautiful miracle. I really feel like God put her in our path to snap me out of it. And I am sure that he put us in her path to help her too. We left the store and went to the car and Brian turned to me and said, "I hope they don't pool their tips" and I asked him why, he said that he had given her a pretty generous tip, hoping that it would help at least a little bit (IVF is over 10,000 for a cheap one!). So obviously he felt like we had been placed there for a reason too. I pray that she is blessed with a family soon.

I may not be overjoyed by the fact that I am currently infertile for whatever reason, but I am so very thankful for my beautiful, happy, healthy family. I am reminded of that fact especially this time of year. I have not so distant memories of a very painful Christmas 3 years ago following my first miscarriage, and then the joy that the next Christmas brought with the birth of Aaron. I am also thankful for a God who answers prayers(and in this case, very quickly!)